An Adoptee's Reflection on a Successful Adoption

When I read my parents my last blog post, we all got verklempt.  And like all good re-tellings of family history, I learned something about my adoption that I didn’t know before.  My dad told me that, in the fateful first visit between my parents and my baby-self at the foster home, a birth mother accompanied them there.  She had given up her baby for adoption and, as part of her healing process, wanted to see the interaction between an adoptive family and a foster baby.  Seeing me smile in the arms of my soon-to-be adoptive father made her feel better about her decision.  And that story warmed my heart.  

As Ian and I have been inching closer and closer to joining the Parenting Club ourselves, over the past few years I’ve been pondering what has made my adoption successful.  I really have no idea - I’d most like to give credit to the Big Guy upstairs.  What I do know is that there are some behaviors that, as an adoptee, I have always appreciated, and some that I have not.  

So here’s a little list of things to consider that I’ve valued throughout my life as an adoptee.  And I’m not even going to include the really obvious no-no’s like asking how much a child cost or asking prospective adopters if they’ve “picked one out yet” (true story from my parents).   Most all, embrace the mantra of Normal.  Treat adoptees normally by being normal parents, normal aunts/uncles, cousins, friends, etc.  Whatever normal means.  

Parents

Never keep adoption secret.  One of the most common questions people ask me when they find out I’m adopted is “When did you find out?”  Never.  I’ve always known that I was adopted because my parents made my adoption part of my life story. From sharing pictures of my dad holding me for the first time to showing me the fluffy pink dress I wore home from the foster home, we celebrated my adoption through the telling of our family’s history.  I even remember my parents once pointing out their adoption lawyer’s office when we drove by.  Similarly...

Reinforce adoption as a blessing, not an alternative.  I know I was Plan B, both for my birth mom and my parents.  But my parents always made me feel like their Plan B was really Plan A in disguise:  

• Once in college, I called my mom in tears after learning about a drug that may have caused her infertility.  She never really talked with me about her struggles getting pregnant, after all.  Though my sobs on the phone, she said “Annie, I realize that people think of it as a bad thing, but I learned a long time ago that my infertility was a blessing.”  
• On a car ride to visit my dad’s family out east when I was still in elementary school, my dad and I started talking about the idea of guardian angels.  His throat tightening with emotion, he told me that he thought this his mom, who passed away when he was very young, was his guardian angel because she had led him to me.
• Once in high school, I had a tragic realization: “I am the product of someone’s mistake.”  When I told my dad this, he immediately corrected me saying, “No, Annie, you were the product of someone’s moment of passion!”

Let the child bring up adoption questions:  Beyond discussing my life story, I cannot remember a time that my parents ever brought up my status as an adopted child - with me or with anyone.  Unless I pointedly asked them, I do not remember my parents ever discussing their previous struggles with infertility, the legal process of adopting, and they never ever ever pointed out any observable genetic or ethnic differences between me and them.  Adoption just faded into the background of our family history rather than being a defining characteristic of it, and we just went on living our lives.

Make sure the rest of the family doesn’t talk about it either.  Never have my aunts, uncles, grandparents or cousins singled me out because I’m adopted. Not even casually. Never.  

Love, love, and love some more.  I’m lucky because I think my parents are awesome.  My dad played Barbies with me in kindergarten and set my hair in hot rollers in junior high.  My mom taped every episode of Full House for me and saved my voicemail messages on their answering machine during college so that they could get a dose of Annie “sunshine” (their words, not mine) when I was at school.  My parents are the best kind of weird, and they still spoil me rotten.  I’ve read that overall happiness declines once a couple has children.  My parents both deny this, and their behavior certainly matches their belief.  Maybe when you wait so long for your children to come into your life, happiness takes a fresh perspective.  

Everyone

Defend Nurture over Nature.  Whenever someone says “It all comes down to genes,” I feel a little pang of insult because, as an adoptee, that means you think that my parents had 0% of a role in who I am today.  I respectfully disagree. I grew up calling oranges “oye-inges” because - and only because - my mom is from New Joisy.  On the contrary, I love it when people...

Point out would-be genetic similarities.  When I was getting ready for my cousin’s bridal shower, I realized that my skirt was a wee bit short and the back of my legs a wee bit dimpled.  Lamenting the cellulite on my upper thighs, my aunt looked at me and said “You must have gotten your legs from your mother!”  I’m sure that didn’t make my mom feel good, but it made me smile. I love it when people say I look like my parents, and I never correct them by saying I’m adopted.  I like to entertain the possibility that our environments influence our looks in the same way they influence our mannerisms.  

Be careful with the words “real parents.”  “Real parents” should only refer to the adoptive parents.  The other terms you’re looking for are “biological parents” or “birth mother/birth father.”

Celebrate Adoption!  For every emotional birthparent search that you see you on TV and every time you hear someone joke about a black sheep of the family being adopted, remember that there are many, many happy families created by adoption.  It is not a source of embarrassment or shame for my family, but a source of pride.  While I don’t want people to see me only through the lens of adoption I love it when people ask me about it.  I enjoy having the opportunity to discuss it with people and to help others realize what a blessing adoption can be.


For an adoptive parent’s perspective on the do’s and do-not’s of adoption, check out Single Dad Laughing’s article.