Fire Eyes

This is not a post about sexy bedroom eyes or Tyra Bank’s advice to those girls on America’s Next Top Model to “smile with your eyes.”  No, no.  This post is much more serious because I have a big problem with my baby blues.  In fact, they’re watering right now just thinking about it.  Here it is:

Onions make my eyes burn.

I know.  Everyone cries cutting a raw onion.  And in case you’re wondering, here’s why it happens:

When you cut an onion, you break cells, releasing their contents. Amino acid sulfoxides form sulfenic acids. Enzymes that were kept separate now are free to mix with the sulfenic acids to produce propanethiol S-oxide, a volatile sulfur compound that wafts upward toward your eyes. This gas reacts with the water in your tears to form sulfuric acid. The sulfuric acid burns, stimulating your eyes to release more tears to wash the irritant away.

Onions may make everyone cry, but I think I’m a unique case.  Not only do I cry slicing onions, I scream out in pain like I’m being tear-gassed by riot police in London.  I cut them up roughly and throw them in the pan like I’m doing a Quick Fire challenge on Top Chef.  And God forbid a recipe call for finely diced onions.  Whenever that’s happened I’ve always had to call in an extra set of hands to monitor the stovetop as I pass out on the couch with a damp washcloth over my eyes, looking like a trench warfare victim from WWI.  

But I refuse to stop cooking with onions because they’re so tasty.  My eyes might be watering writing this, but my stomach is growling.  So I do what I can to minimize the burning: I refrigerate the onions for days before I use them, and I’ve tried lighting a candle next to the cutting board.  For the record, the former works better than the latter.

Well, folks, I’m writing to announce that I’ve discovered the best Fire Eyes prevention strategy yet.  Forget refrigeration and candles, this strategy treats onions as what they really are: acid-bearing edible bulbs.   I first used this technique my sophomore year of high school when I made Christmas breakfast for my parents, but I resurrected it today preparing my Mexican Pasta. Roughly chopping the onions and moaning in pain at my stinging, dripping eyes, I had a sharp longing to own one of those emergency eye wash stations that were always collecting dust in the corner of my science classrooms. We never had to use it because we used something else to protect our eyes from dangerous chemicals. So set your vanity aside and prepare to never cry over an onion again:

Safety first with goggles

It's very important to put the goggles on before you start crying over the onions. Otherwise you'll trap the acidic vapors in your goggles and it will feel like a thousand bees are stinging each of your eyes. Not like I've done that before or anything.